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There’s this way that letting myself get totally infatuated with certain people is completely transforming and revitalizing my life. I feel absolutely adored, noticed, and cared for & it feels good.
It’s been a month since I wrote in my journal:
I blushed and turned away before he kissed me, twice, on the lips.
I almost said, “I don’t want forever,” but the fact is that I don’t really want anything…except these warm hands and sunsets and the excitement rising in my belly. The aching itself–the exhilaration–is enough.
It’s cold out, late, & my cat is curled up at my feet. I never knew I loved cats till he showed up in my bed. He wanted to be near me so badly that he made his way into the house five times on Tuesday night, then broke my screen when I made sure every entrance was closed. If he’s that serious…
In the middle of the chaos, life is still a thing of beauty.
I just bought Homewrecker. I’m trying to figure out my position on all of this. When I was preparing myself for the shit storm that didn’t come this morning, I couldn’t find anything to say in my defense except that I haven’t done a thing wrong. I haven’t always had the skill to live up to my own standards in regards to relationships, but I am convinced that my philosophy and ethics are sound. There’s still a kind of innocence about me, but I think I also bring something kind of special to the table, something that I can’t find enough in other people. I want to plant seeds of myself in your heart. I want to be this person who is so open that you can actually show up. I want to live a life that liberates other people and myself. There are things I want to tell you, and I’m willing to let it take months or even years if that’s how long it takes. In the meantime, I keep showing up, I keep warming myself next to you, I keep walking the line.
A bit unrelated, but I like the way Daphne said, “not honoring this fascination, this car crash of desire, is also a lie.”
I cannot describe the amazingness last 12 hours. I’ve tapped into a source of sexual power recently. I have been having amazing, grounded exchanges with men (my motto is: “sexual energy is just energy”)–full-on equitable & utterly nourishing intimacies that are largely facilitated by my ability to come fully to ground, fully to body, fully facing and reflecting and allowing and guiding. It’s truly beautiful, not only the closeness, but the ease of the interactions and the almost altered state of utter wholeness and solidity that I move into in moments. This morning, I took my shirt off & laid on the bed for our morning discussion and at least five people had their hands continuously on my back for an hour, rubbing and wriggling and caressing me back to steadiness. I am so good at taking care of myself these days & somehow my receiving was a gift to the givers as well & my body coalesced the usual ambivalence & ambiguity, enabling incredibly passionate dialogue where there is usually stuckness and blah blah. Many hours later, after a long day of less delightful intensities, I had a pain crisis that I didn’t advertise & (G) came and sat beside me and I relaxed into his gentle touch & then returned it, and when we had reached a conclusion, I went up to his wife and wrapped my hands around her waist and for forty-five minutes we were engaged in this gentle yet grounded dance of touching and hugging and then kissing (!?). And after all this intimacy with them individually, I got to watch them close the day with an incredibly sexy and intimate dance, with (E) embracing her feminine power, which is something she’s only recently discovering. I’m telling you people: the guy-girl-me dynamic might just be my thing. I am reveling in my lack of expectations, my presence, my vigor.
Oh, and I gave an informative lecture about butt sex during lunch.
Anyway, I haven’t slept in 36+ hours & my legs aren’t really working at this point, but damn damn damn.
My life used to be marked by continual depersonalization that only varied in degree. Now I am so present that I can actually fully enjoy and experience myself every moment without any underlying feelings of uneasiness or ambivalence. I also experience trust and an assumption of safety and wellbeing as my baseline rather than mistrust, danger, and fear.
Fun and the fun kind of intimacy look so different when one is moving from one’s center and desires in a context of trust than [the way it used to be].
I’ve got to go have dinner at a vegan restaurant with some friends, but maybe a better explanation of all of this later. I feel complete and content and it’s beautiful. There is no gaping maw, there is no longing, there is just satisfaction and happiness and warmth.
touchy-feely-ac 